- * Promiscuous people tighten their belts when they’re feeling loose.
- * Some people don’t care for my programming puns. I take exception to that.
- He’s no dare-devil, but he’s safe.
- Today is the last day of your life, so far.
- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
- * Did Hitler shop at the Home Despot?
- If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.
- Two Mexicans were playing basketball. It was Juan on Juan.
- Drilling for oil is boring.
- Does killing time damage eternity?
- * If a deaf guy goes to court, is it still called a “hearing”?
- * What TV stations want to say: “And now, back to the commercials.”
- * I was going to be a stripper but I couldn’t pull it off.
- * Only losers give in to peer pressure.
- * Government RDA: For entertainment purposes only.
- * The constitution is old. Tyranny is older.
- * if heat causes things to expand then shouldn’t my clothes get bigger in the dryer?
- * A limbo contestant walks into a bar… he lost.
- * May all of your wishes come true… at least the ones that don’t interfere with mine.
- Your atomic structure is made up of 99% open space, and yet you bug me so much.
- * I’m a “garbage is half empty” kind of guy.
- If a thing isn’t worth saying, sing it.
- * What are the odds of a winning lottery ticket being struck by lightning?
- * If a bath doesn’t get you clean it will at least get you evenly dirty.
- * There’s nothing like a good comparison.
- * I am the same distance from you as you are from me, and when we walk, we pass each other at the same time.
- * How can reducing plant food (CO2) be considered “green”?
- * I’d like to see the world come together and resist globalization.
- Which man of the Bible was shorter: Bildad the Shuhite, or Peter, who slept on his watch? Ahh, it was Jesus – he spoke on a mustard seed.
- * If someone has only one bad eye, do they just need glass?
- * When you see “and/or”, is it both and, and or, or and, or or?
- * Maybe it’s a lost art because nobody is looking for it.
- There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary and those who don’t.
- There’s no place like 127.0.0.1
- * Why is it called a “driving rain” when it’s so hard to drive in?
- You can lead a horticulture… but you can’t make her think.
- * If you cannot use a word within its own definition then can you define English using English?
- * Open sunroof: A modern version of a rain dance.
- * A push mower is a device that makes you thankful that your lawn isn’t any bigger.
- Just because I’m paranoid it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get me.
- All is well that ends.
- A penny saved is a penny.
- Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, then you aren’t.
- * Where does the truth lie?
- * Something you’ll never hear a real estate agent or mortgage officer say: Now is a terrible time to buy a house.
- * Be careful what you say to a lumber jack, they log everything.
- * Is there a hyphen in “anal retentive”?
- * Do authors refer to themselves as “this author” during everyday conversations?
- * A good analogy is like….uhhh…
- * Do doctors charge amnesia patients if they forget their appointment?
- Be vague. It’s as annoying as that other thing.
- To err is dysfunctional, to forgive is co-dependent.
- Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
- Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but the pig likes it.
- * Smurfette was blue trash.
- What do kleptomaniacs take to get better?
- * Your 100th birthday is right around the coroner.
- Skydiving – good to the last drop.
- * The past tense of “fit” is “fat”.
- Nothing tastes as good as it feels to be thin.
- * Bumper sticker idea: This sticker intentionally left blank.
- * “If I were you.” – The preface to the reasoning of why I’m glad I’m not.
- Could it be that boulders are just statues of big rocks?
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Why are people who mend shoes also good at cutting keys?
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- There is no future in time travel.
- Why does an empty tube of toothpaste last longer than a full one?
- Why is it that opportunity knocks at the least opportune moment?
- Is a metaphor like a simile?
- * If you have a question, Google it. If you have a comment, blog about it.
- Can the concept of moderation be taken too far?
- Fat people are harder to kidnap.
- Professional built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark.
- I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
- * Is it “anal retentive” or “anally retentive”?
- Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were catholic.
- If snickers really satisfies then why do they make a king size bar?
- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
- If an ambulance is on its way to save someone and it runs someone else over, does it stop to help them?
- Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes (If you can read this, you’re over educated).
- If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
- If a tree falls in the woods and lands on a mime, does anyone care?
- How is it possible to run out of space?
- Why do they call it your bottom when it’s really in the middle of your body?
- I think if I have a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day. I think that until about lunch time.
- Sign at the Pavlov Institute: Knock: Please don’t ring bell.
- How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
- Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
- So little time and so little to do.
- If dogs sweat through their tongues, why do they have armpits?
- Why do black olives come in cans while green olives come in jars?
- Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Being politically correct means always having to say you’re sorry.
- Paper clip: larval stage of coat hangers.
- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- What year did Jesus think it was?
- Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side?
- A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
- A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- If a job is worth doing then get someone to do it properly.
- Why do they call Greenland Greenland when it’s all ice, and Iceland Iceland when it’s all green?
- Why do you sing take me out to the ball game when you’re already there?
- Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at fortune tellers take economists seriously?
- The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
- If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Exactly where is the road less traveled?
- Why is the abbreviation for pound lb when neither l or b are in the word?
- Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- If you’re only as old as you feel then why can’t I retire yet?
- I think I’ve found the trouble in our economy: there are far more ways to get into debt than there are to get out of it.
- If 2 guys formed ladders at a ladder company and one guy quits and gets replaced, then later the other guy quits and gets replaced, is the first replacement the former latter ladder former and the second replacement the latter latter ladder former? Is the first ladder former who quit the former former ladder former? Is the second one who quit the latter former ladder former?
* = Homemade